When two parents disagree about the same child

These are listed in the order worth acting on, which with disagreeing about parenting is not the order they are usually presented in.

Where the difference comes from

Two adults bring two entirely different sets of assumptions about what is normal, most of them absorbed before either could examine them. A great deal of what feels obviously correct is simply familiar, which is why disagreements about small things can become surprisingly heated. Naming the origin of a position, including where it came from in your own upbringing, usually lowers the temperature of the argument immediately.

Some differences are genuine disagreements about principle, and most are differences in tolerance, timing or presentation. Separating those two categories is what allows the smaller ones to be conceded without either person feeling overruled.

The public appeal problem

A child who sees one adult overturn the other learns that a decision is a first offer rather than a decision. The result is not defiance so much as an entirely rational strategy of asking the other parent, which then becomes the household norm. Backing each other in the moment and disagreeing afterwards is the standard advice because it removes the incentive for that strategy.

When it is going badly, it does not require pretending to agree, and a neutral response holding the position is sufficient without endorsing it enthusiastically. The exception is anything unsafe or genuinely harmful, where intervening immediately is obviously correct.

Reversing a decision properly

Decisions can be changed, and doing it deliberately is different from having one overturned in front of the child. Going back together and saying the decision has been reconsidered keeps the authority with both adults rather than with one. It also models something useful, which is that people can change their minds without it being a defeat.

When it is going badly, doing this occasionally is fine, and doing it constantly signals that the original decisions were not considered. The child should hear a single position, whether it is the original one or the revised one.

Consistency beats correctness

For most everyday matters, two adults applying the same rule imperfectly produces a better outcome than each applying a better rule differently. Children adapt readily to rules that vary between households and struggle far more with rules that vary unpredictably within one.

Agreeing the handful of things that will be consistent, and letting the rest vary by parent, is achievable where total alignment is not. The things worth making consistent are usually safety, the non-negotiable routines and how the household responds to significant behaviour. Everything else can genuinely differ, and children cope with two parents who do things differently without much difficulty.

Having the conversation properly

Discussions about approach conducted during an incident are arguments; the same discussion at a calm time is a decision. A regular short conversation about how things are going prevents the accumulation that otherwise surfaces during the worst possible moment.

Being specific about the situation rather than general about the other person’s approach is what keeps it from becoming a relationship argument. Where a disagreement recurs, agreeing a rule for that specific situation in advance is more effective than resolving it repeatedly. Some couples find a third view useful, whether a health visitor, a school or a professional, particularly where the disagreement has become entrenched.

When it is more than a difference

Persistent conflict about parenting is frequently a proxy for a conflict about something else, such as division of labour or feeling unsupported. Where one adult is doing most of the daily work, disagreements about method often carry the weight of that imbalance.

Separated households add the complication that consistency has to be negotiated across two homes with less contact and more history. Where anybody in the household feels controlled, undermined or frightened, that is a different situation requiring support from outside the family. Relationship support services exist in most countries and are used more often for exactly this than most people assume.

Everything above, in order of what to do first

1. Where the difference comes from. Two adults bring two entirely different sets of assumptions about what is normal, most of them absorbed before either could examine them.
2. The public appeal problem. A child who sees one adult overturn the other learns that a decision is a first offer rather than a decision.
3. Reversing a decision properly. Decisions can be changed, and doing it deliberately is different from having one overturned in front of the child.
4. Consistency beats correctness. For most everyday matters, two adults applying the same rule imperfectly produces a better outcome than each applying a better rule differently.
5. Having the conversation properly. Discussions about approach conducted during an incident are arguments; the same discussion at a calm time is a decision.
6. When it is more than a difference. Persistent conflict about parenting is frequently a proxy for a conflict about something else, such as division of labour or feeling unsupported.

The takeaway

Back each other in the room, argue afterwards, and agree the short list that has to be the same in both hands.

Most of parenting is repair, not perfection, and repair counts.